im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
it's not cheating when I paid for it
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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