remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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