If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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