Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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