whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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