i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
