I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
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