you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
