Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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