will power is for people who don't want to get laid
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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