Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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