Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
