I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
