It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
