Dude my mom stole all your condoms
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
