It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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