All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
