I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
