Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
We are two peas in an std pod
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Randomize
