I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
