it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
