I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
