My underwear smells like fireworks.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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