Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
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