bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
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You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
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Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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