Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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