FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
