the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
