remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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