Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
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There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
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Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.