I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Hippo gnu deer
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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