im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
