got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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