Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
