I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
