Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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