I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
