I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
