we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
