So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
