Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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