I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
i've created a new STD.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
