life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
