you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
