im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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