I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
