Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
