If i come over, it means nothing
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
