apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
