i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
