I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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