Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
