2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
