When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
