yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
