Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
